Put your whole self into it

When I facilitated a program for women in Moscow and London on thinking strategically about their career, they had the same work/life balance issues as women in the U.S. 



President Putin's helicopter pad at Kremlin.

• striving to do their best on every project
• determined to be confident, in control, yet not lose their true self
• wondering how to progress toward higher levels when juggling work and home life is a challenge now

I had to chuckle when they said women in the U.S. have more confidence and fewer challenges working their way up in organizations. If they only knew how many women I know who wish they had it easier making an impact in their organizations! I assured them that what they are experiencing is universal.

A woman I’m coaching did something I think is genius. She’s a self-propelled dynamo always setting goals for herself and making lists so she can check them off. When her manager asked for her third quarter plan, instead of including only her work goals, she added her personal goals for the quarter.

• eat healthful snacks daily
• run or workout 1 hour/day to prepare for half-marathon in December
• get 8 hours sleep 5 nights/week

Submitting her quarterly plan with her personal goals noted at the bottom generated conversations about what is important to her whole-person success. Her manager understands her better. She keeps her professional and personal goals top of mind throughout the quarter. And she feels a greater sense of accomplishment as she checks off what is most important to being her true self.

I’m creating a 4th quarter plan with professional and personal goals to help me keep them all top of mind. I'm picturing myself on New Year's Eve toasting to the progress I made. Why don't you join me! 

    

The ultimate entrepreneur, Mother Teresa

When I do my Believe in You seminar, my example for “Express your true goals” is Mother Teresa. She exemplifies:  

• express what you truly want to accomplish
• listen to your inner guide
• be open to possibilities not in your original plan

All Mother Teresa wanted to do was become a nun and teach. She achieved that. But when she rode the school bus to chaperone students picked up at their homes, her world changed. On those early morning rides, she saw poor families waking up on the streets of Calcutta. What really grabbed her heart were the trucks scooping up those who had died during the night. She felt compelled to do something. She asked her Mother Superior, but the answer was no. Their convent and school were set up to teach, with limited funding. They could not care for the poor, too. Mother Teresa understood but was frustrated.

She pondered, prayed and visualized what she could do. Then went to Mother Superior again. She was told that if she wanted to work with the poor she’d have to leave their nunnery because that was not their mission. She continued teaching, with the people of the streets on her mind. One day traveling by train, the little voice within her (we all have one) said clearly and directly that she had to care for them.

She resigned, not a simple thing to do. Left the comfort of her nunnery. With one white sari and one coin in her pocket, she walked out to the streets she had traveled by school bus. Her reputation spread as she tended to those dying in the streets where they lived. She begged at homes and businesses for money and supplies. She truly cared, could be trusted, had no hidden agenda. Soon, a few former students gave up what they had and worked alongside her. Thus began the Missionaries of Charity.

Mother Teresa became an international phenomenon caring for the poorest of the poor so they could die with dignity. She was the little nun that could. A humble powerhouse, with a vision brought to life.

The ultimate entrepreneur: she saw a need, visualized possibilities, believed she could make a difference, took action despite the odds.

We all have thoughts, ideas, visions we want to act on. You don’t have to give up all you have and live on the streets (unless that’s in your heart to do), but what could happen if you took action on what is in your heart to accomplish at work and at home?

Visualize it.
Express your true goals.
Listen to your inner guide.
If the thought is in you, you can do it.

Hold a plank

I held a plank position for 1 minute today. That doesn't sound like much, but it's hard! My goal for April is to increase it to 2 minutes daily. It will strengthen my shoulders, wrists, core, legs and mental state. And that's what I'm after. To make sure I do it, I've put it on my calendar and have an accountability partner, my friend Sooz. She's committed to do it daily, too. We'll email each other each day after it's done. These built in reminders will help me stick to it. I know I'll be stronger on April 30!      

No, that's not me...yet. It's from http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/diet-fitness/exercise/core-abdominal-and-lower-back-exercises10.htm

 

Biking again

Jack and I rode our bikes about 5 miles Sunday afternoon. First time in about 20 years! Felt great. Loved it. I’m so grateful we could ride without hesitation or fear. It felt natural to be riding again. I blocked out thoughts of when I did a power slide onto gravel, wearing shorts, when I was a kid. Instead, I focused on how good it felt, the breeze, warmth, beautiful scenery. When I struggled going up a hill in Winter Park (yes, there are hills in flat Florida), I started counting my pedaling. When it got harder and I didn’t like how I was feeling, I started praying the Hail Mary in time with my pedaling and shifted my thinking to ‘I can do this.’ It worked! Just like when I get in a jam or frustrated, I talk to God or say a prayer and shift my thoughts to a more positive perspective. It makes such a difference. I’m so grateful for that.

I took a 2 mile spin around the neighborhood this morning – I think I’m hooked.   

Performing is short-lived

One of my mentees has been very candid about the way she feels about speaking to large groups. It gives her the hee bee gee bees. We talked about how doing it more will make it easier. Now she's pushing herself to speak to groups, even seeking opportunities. After a recent presentation, she realized that when she thinks about the audience and what will help them understand her message instead of thinking about herself and what she looks like, sounds like, she has a much more positive experience. Her audience is more responsive.

A lot has to do with how we view our situation. Are we performing or are we having an experience? Peter Bregman, my favorite Harvard Business Review blogger, writes:

"If you view life as a performance, your failures will be so painful and terrifying that you will stop experimenting. But if you view life as an experience, your failures are just part of that experience.
What makes a performance different than an experience? It's all in your head.

Are you trying to look good? Do you want to impress others or win something? Are you looking for acceptance, approval, accolades, wild thunderous applause? Is it painful when you don't get those things? You're probably performing.

If you're experiencing, on the other hand, you're exploring what something feels like. Trying to see what would happen if...

When you're experiencing, you can appreciate negative outcomes as well as positive ones. Sure, acceptance and approval and accolades feel good, but those things don't determine success. Success is based on whether you fully immerse yourself in the experience, no matter how it turns out, and whether you learn from it. That's a result you can always achieve regardless of the outcome.

When you're performing, your success is disturbingly short-lived. As soon as you've achieved one milestone or received a particular standing ovation, it's no longer relevant. Your unending question is: what's next?

When you're experiencing though, it's not about the end result, it's about the moment. You're not pursuing a feeling after, you're having a feeling during. You can't be manipulated by a fickle, outside measure because you're motivated by a stable internal one.

Read the article:
http://blogs.hbr.org/bregman/2013/01/stop-focusing-on-your-performa.html

What holds you back

Most of us hold on to something that holds us back -- a habit that doesn’t serve us well, a commitment that is no longer right for us.

A few weeks ago, my journal opened to a page I had not seen in months -- a mindmap I created after reading What Got You Here Won’t Get You Thereby Marshall Goldsmith. I liked his 20 habits that hold you backand captured them to use in the future.

What hit me right between the eyes was the note I had written to myself:
Key for me: Know what to stop.

I knew why my journal opened to that page. I was struggling with a project I created months ago, unable to finish it. Part of me wanted to stop spending time on it, use that time for bigger future-oriented work, but the other voice in my head (my ego) didn’t want me to ‘quit,’ disappoint others. Whenever I sat down to work on it, soon I’d have ‘monkey brain,’ swinging from one thing to another, focusing instead on what I really wanted to do. It was a mental tug of war, and I was the rope.

‘Know what to stop’ was meant for me that day. I decided then and there that I would stop the project and move on. It was freeing. It was the right thing to do. The handout I’ve been using will suffice, I do not have to write an Outlook 2010 book. Instead I’m focusing on Elevate the Leader in You.

What can you stop doing that will catapult you forward? Not sure? Ask your colleagues, friends, boss, family members, coach to be candid with you and tell you one thing you are doing that is holding you back. Listen. Thank them. Think about what you heard. Then pick one and stop doing it. It will feel right and will move you toward being who you are truly meant to be.

Around the bend

I took this while driving through Ashley National Forest in Utah. It reminded me of what we face every day: beauty and vibrant life all around us, but we don't know what's around the bend. All we can do is prepare and do our best. 

I met with a woman whose 16 year old son died recently from bone cancer. Diagnosed when he was 12. What a shock for him, his family and friends. But she made the best of it, opening their home to his friends whenever they wanted to visit, day or night. And they came. Often. People from church and school (many she did not know) delivered meals, ran errands, mowed the lawn, walked his dog (the gift he asked for from Make a Wish Foundation), whatever would help when he was going through chemo or in the hospital again.  She said the day he died there must have been a couple of hundred people in and out of their house all day. He stayed as upbeat as he could til the end.

We talked about the benefits of the long goodbye. It almost makes the end easier because it's been coming for so long. I experienced that with my mom with Alzheimer's for 10 years. After doing everything you can to deal with the situation, you have to trust you will be ready for what's ahead.

When we took this long-awaited vacation out west, I thought it would bring wide-open thinking about what I want to do with my business and the rest of my life. I realized I don't have to be out in big sky country to think possibilities and listen to my inner guide. I can do that just as well sitting in our Florida room looking at the beauty of our backyard filled with trees, plants and birds.

The way to prepare for the curves ahead is to connect with our inner guide each day, reflect on what has happened and what is possible. Visualize ourselves handling it well. We never know for sure what will happen, but I believe this strengthens us for the challenges and delightful surprises that are just around the bend.

Customer Service

This was supposed to be the view from our hotel the first night of our vacation on the northern California coast. But when I called to confirm arrival time while we were driving that afternoon, we learned we did not have a reservation. The hotel was overbooked. What? My husband had reserved a room months ahead.

Reminded us of the Seinfeld episode - You know how to make reservations, but you don't know how to keep reservations!

The owner could tell my husband was upset and assured us he did not normally do business this way. Someone new had overbooked the hotel by four rooms that night. To make up for it, he reserved a room for us in another hotel in town. That's not what where we wanted to be, but when he said he had already paid for it and we would be staying the night free, we knew we were dealing with someone who cared about customer service.

I took this photo the next morning when we went over to thank him in person for our night at the other hotel. We saw why his hotel was booked solid. Excellent customer service and a beautiful ocean view. A winning combination.  

Setting Visible Goals

When I was growing up in New York, my father would make “going to Miami” and staying at the Fontainbleu where Prudential held its annual conference a goal each year. He would do all he could to sell enough life insurance policies to make that goal. Sometimes I was recruited to help him stuff envelopes or put packets together to take to potential policyholders. I remember his MIAMI and SELL SELL SELL signs around his office in the basement, sometimes hanging from the ceiling right near his desk chair so he couldn’t miss them. He was a real advocate of positive thinking making a difference in your life. (I guess I didn't fall far from that tree!) 

We never stayed at the Fontainbleu, but I knew what the hotel looked like and all of its fantastic features from the brochures. The few times we went to Miami with him as a family, we stayed at a small less expensive hotel nearby, Ocean Horizon, while he went back and forth to the conference. I loved that place, the smell of the ocean, the sound of the waves and the swaying palm tress. A few times he arranged for my sister, brother and me to spend the evening in one of his buddies' Fountainbleu rooms while he and my mother went to an event in the ballroom. We three were thrilled to lay on the big bed with lots of pillows watching TV!

He was happy when he made his goals come true, and it psyched him to achieve more next time. He was a great example of always working on improving himself. As I sit here working on my Outlook 2010 book, I'm thinking maybe I should hang some signs. 

What Questions

I met with a client who manages a popular restaurant and is well liked by his team. He wants everyone on his team to shine, but some are inconsistent in their performance and it frustrates him. He dreads having to “be stern” with them because that’s not his style, but he has to address it. It’s eating him up inside.

I suggested he ask them ‘What’ instead of ‘Why’ questions.
-What causes you to do a good job some days and not others?
-What would it take for you to be consistent in your performance every day?
-What impact do you think your performance has on the rest of the team?
His immediate reaction was that maybe something or someone up the line was impacting their job on certain days. He also realized he does not know these employees as well as those who do a good job.   

‘What’ questions usually generate a different response than ‘Why’ questions. I asked him, “What would happen if you met with these employees individually and let them know you are concerned about their performance and asked what you could do to help them be successful?” He thought for a moment, then said he felt a difference in his own reaction to ‘What’ instead of “Why..…” 

This shifted his perspective about what is possible with these employees and with his natural management style. Asking ‘What....’ enables him to be himself to get to the heart of the situation. He doesn’t have to be the dreaded stern disciplinarian.

What would asking ‘What’ questions do for you? I encourage you to try it and see if you get a different reaction.

1,940 things to go

Jack and I committed to giving away or throwing away 2012 items this year. At first I didn't think we could possibly get rid of that many things in our home, but I think it's definitely doable now. We're down to 1,940. I just cleaned out 30 boxes of tea (I used to drink it and many were gifts), and various other food items that were beyond their expiration date. I'd like to say getting rid of 2012 things was my original idea, but it came from our dear friend Ashley who is always challenging herself to measurable outcomes. This one intrigued me because we've been talking about cleaning out the garage (but haven't tackled it yet) for years. I knew having a # and date goal would incent me to let things go. It really has helped! We're keeping a tab in a polka-dot pad in the kitchen so we are reminded every time we see it. It's actually fun to look at things I would normally overlook and think -- we haven't used that, or I really don't like that, and let it go!    

This works

When I'm feeling stuck about something, want to move forward but something holds me back, I use these 5 steps to get my thoughts in order and get energized about what has to be done. I call it VW PAR. I've used this process for years, for myself and my clients, but gave it a name only last year. I'm passing it on so that you can benefit from it, too.   

VWPAR

1) Visualize: Picture what you want to have happen, the result, not the problem. Picture yourself blasting past the challenge to a fantastic finish. See yourself finishing successfully, being the real you. What does that finish look like, feel like, sound like, taste like, smell like? Picture it in detail.

2) Write what you pictured. Start your sentences with "I am..." to put it in present tense, or "I have..." as if you already accomplished it. If you have a hard time starting, particularly if you don’t like to write, then write whatever comes to mind to get the junk out of your head. Once the surface stuff is out, you will be surprised at what comes to mind. Thoughts you would not have had otherwise will bubble up.

3) Prioritize: Write the actions you will take, then number them. Often it's not what you write first that has to be done first. 

4) Act: Do what you prioritized.

5) Reflect: Think about what you accomplished. What went well, what you will do again or differently next time. Visualize yourself doing an outstanding job with it. Then start VWPAR for your next goal!

VWPAR has worked for my clients and for me for years. For big and little things. I hope it helps you, too. 

New Year, Unlimited Possibilities

I believe this year is going to be filled with wonderful opportunities and lots of growth for all of us. We just have to be open minded and willing to stretch our thinking about what is possible. This brief clip makes that very clear. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOlTdkYXuzE&feature=related

Reflection Riding

This is one of my favorite photos from our trip to Chattanooga last weekend, taken at Reflection Riding, a nature center surrounded by natural beauty. It reminds me of the transition from old to new, looking from what's current, dieing off, to the promise of new growth and beauty in the near future. We just have to step into it.

We were delighted by these 3 horses, led out from the barn in mid-afternoon. As soon as they were let loose, the two black ones threw themselves on the their backs, rolling in the grass, obviously enjoying themselves. After the white one munched a while he did the same. Happy to be free to do as they pleased.  

Friends that do

We had a wonderful weekend in Ooltewah, TN, with our dear friends Beverly & Bill. At 82 and 85, they are going strong, volunteering, caring for others who are ill, driving, cooking, delivering, playing cards and word games with friends, and very active in their church. What role models they are for active aging! Both are avid readers, enjoy going new places, discussing current events, maintain relationships with family and friends their age and younger (like us!). They are flattered that we want to spend time with them, yet we feel honored to be among their friends and hope we will be as vibrant as they are as we age. Their key to success? They always give of themselves, do for others, are open to others’ perspectives, willing to give the benefit of the doubt, pray for those they love and those they are concerned about. They say they don’t do anything special, but the difference is that they “do” – they don’t just think or talk about it, they take action. They never stop learning. That’s what I want to be like as I to grow up.